soldiers · come · quickly

Lately the happiest thoughts in my mind have been these: Gun, pilfered from Cody or his dad. Long drive in the afternoon to arrive at mom's. Maybe I would take the dogs for a walk, or would that be too cruel? I'd let my feet feel the earth slowly, very slowly, like a final meditation and hear the earth urging me that I belong here. Here, in that radiant orange glow of late afternoon, like happiness exploding. The beautiful dappled light would play through the trees and watch me as I took care of business: tag carefully tied to the gun asking for a timely return to Cody or his dad, depending. Me, lowering myself down to be cradled by tree roots on the slanted earth. Me, pulling the trigger against my head. Me, returning to the earth. The end. I wish so badly that I would do this. Sometimes I think on it with a kind of calm that should probably scare me. But it's always a bad time. Loose ends, school year, the proximity to Linda's eminent death. I can't fucking stand it anymore. This reality is not for me. I want it to end. I am miserable. Fuck other lives, fuck living this again. I don't care. I don't care. I'm just so unhappy I'm not sure what to do.

I am so weak. I am so greedy. I am so boring. I am so selfish. I am unable to love. So I don't want to live...but for some fucking reason I can't just END it. It's not hope. I think it's just habit.

and Venus flickering
amongst a lean sprinkling of stars.
my only solace.
tonight
I want to sleep on grass,
but everyone is too wasted.

This boy
glances at the time,
mumbles something
about the nonsensical-ness
of it all.

Falls back into
a restless, snoring sleep,
only to feel the burden of his name.

The name that I say
is not his.
Cannot be his.

And me,
I sleep through nothing,
so when my ancestors
start milling past
and their whispered voices
are enough to drive me insane,
nevermind the university students
setting off car alarms and raised voices;
setting off bottle rockets and morning hazards;
I lift myself on broken, flightless shoulder blades,
and turn a good ear to good use.
I could listen all night.
Insomnia is suddenly
a disease I'm passing
under the sheets.
Into minds like burrowing madness,
veins of live green radiation.
Orange streetlamps and rumbling cars
and the shifting of hallucination and sight.

So at 4 o'clock,
he feels the burden of a name,
and I feel the burden of a mind.

Including Mark.

I have been trying so hard to open my heart and silence that little knot of skepticism/that little voice in my mind that says I can't, or squelches emotions before I know I want to feel them. So opening up to myself has been helping me open myself to others, and be open to others. I have truly loved people here, love beyond what I've ever felt before.

I met Mark at orientation. I shifted in to sit next to Anna, and there was a moment's hesitation where I looked at him and almost didn't introduce myself to him. But, I realized that I had said hello to almost everyone so far, so I might as well. We started talking about everything, from his accident where a car cut him off on his bike, to my interest in Tibet. We exchanged phone numbers, and later that evening, he gave me a call and invited me over. It was really late by the time I got over there, and he was playing hearts with three of the others at the Co-op where he lives. A few of them were wearing faux fur loin clothes and Jesus robes, to get ready for the Burning Man festival. They were super-nice.

Mark and I started talking outside on couches, and he told me about his family. He suggested we move to the hammock, so we cuddled, and I felt so natural with him. I told him about past relationships, and almost-relationships, and told him that so many of the almosts had just huge committment problems. He asked me if I did, too, and I said that I didn't think so. I started falling asleep, and he asked me if I wanted to stay at the Co-op. He said he was a little afraid of asking, but I told him that I was hoping he would. Because I didn't want to walk all the way back. We cuddled a lot, but I don't think I slept so well.

I kept thinking about what I like about Mark. He is completely unlike the guys I usually go for, but somehow, there is something so natural about being around him. He's sarcastic without being mean-spirited. He likes to cook and listen to Ani Difranco. He likes to cuddle, and we have really good conversations. He likes to watch soccer and fix bikes. He loves Vegannaise (aka vegan mayonnaise) and drinks coffee for the taste. He's a Pisces (born on the cusp with Aquarius) and a Peace Studies major. But, yeah, we've agreed that we knew each other in a past life, because we feel as if we've known each other for so much longer than we have. Though, at Naropa, everyone is so damn friendly and open that I feel like I know people so quickly. But not like Mark. It's a good feeling.

I slept at his house the next night, too, and so much happened. When we kissed, it just opened up this kind of want to do more, and I've stopped trying to silence my desires, so.

The following day, we took a nap together in my room, and decided we would try to hang out after his house meeting. That never happened, but this morning, we met at Wild Oats and then took the bus to Nalanda for group meetings. Afterwards, he voiced that he wanted to stay for the 3-hour lecture, which I didn't want to. I was really disappointed, and I told him so. I told him that I wanted to spend some time with him, and talk to him. But that if he wanted to stay, we could talk later. Still, going home, I was really disappointed, and then I started feeling as if I was clingy and pathetic.

It's weird because just yesterday, I was getting so freaked out about committment. This morning, I realized that it is just something that I'm going to have to work through. And that I would have fears about that with anyone I dated. Even Jared.

And I realized that the "love" I felt for Jared paled in comparison to whatever I'm feeling here. How the love I'm feeling here is so complete and bottomless. And it's for so many people. Still, I would like to try the relationship thing, and I think it could be not-so-bad.

And Mark's intentions seem so good. Why not him, then?

But, there is also the other extreme, which wants him around, and is disappointed that we didn't get a chance to hang out yet today. It gives me a chance to run some errands...but I am not usually that active or motivated, like Mark is. And it's about to rain. We'll see...everything's so weird.

I picked up enough coins to make 63 cents, off of dirty bricks.

I ran my fingers along bushes heat-baked with all of the grime of rushing cars and 300 days of sunshine.

And as we cross the street, pairs of shoes are hung by orange lamplight by devious, Greenwich-Village-hungry hands.

Ryan's voice is slightly irritable; I think of his opening hands during council and think of how everything we do is an illusion.

We are only enlightened among others striving for light.

So tonight I will think of a girl with huge, fawn eyes; she tilts her head to the side with a large white smile and those unflinching eyes, and she is suddenly a Hindu goddess.

And all I can feed her are words of my aunt's arthritmic hands as they stumble and sway and step their way across a slighty out-of-tune piano; and in these notes, there is smoke and the 20s and a lost generation of flappers with no direction but to the bar; but to bed.

We part ways past the white lions guarding our doors.

We hug truthfully.

I hope it is the last of heartache felt in this place.

I hope it is the last of me ever living here again.

I put 25 bucks in my tank to get my aunt to the airport and back tomorrow, to drop me off.

First one-way ticket.

First time I really looked out over the darkened shops, places where the vampire of neon has stuck its fangs into the rolling greenery that put the "Mt." in our town's name. Cars lazily changing lanes; everyone is asleep at such hours.

First time I kind of appreciated the view (except for hung-over mornings when the light is so bright and the sky is open).

First time to miss people when I move. Really and truly miss them. Mourn the loss of our closeness.

But also, soon, first time to hold Colorado in-between my reaching fingers and call it "Mine."

Tonight, I smiled through his really, truly terrible voice next to me as he sang along to the Rent soundtrack in the CD player. I laughed inwardly when he kind of mumbled together the parts he didn't know. I watched him lean forward over the steering wheel to check for deer.

And sitting there, quite contently, quite happily, quite humorously, I realized just how strong a thing forgiveness is. How somehow, through all of the crazyness, we have remained friends. I felt infinitely thankful just then, as we drove past that fork in the road. He has been my friend since preschool--much, much longer than I've been friends with anyone else.

I just thought about how blessed I am, and how lucky we are to have things in our world stronger than hate. So much stronger than hate.

On a completely different note, we now both have our copies of the new, and final, Harry Potter book. Nerds!

you changed my dreams
to us living in that house
my aunt and uncle own in washington,
the one with the blueberry bushes and the stream with moose tracks.
the one with a comforting stillness to meet my pace.
bright, open windows
and a feeling of contentment.

you changed my dreams
to white plates from crate and barrel.
we're entertaining some friends of yours,
and i've been smiling all afternoon
thinking of how much i love you.
i cook, and you are more the socialite
to my intp personality.

you changed my dreams
from the easy aloneness,
self-meaningfulness
to the more difficult togetherness,
us-meaningfulness.

you changed me, you changed my dreams.
i don't want to give up on you.

Basically, it's all about trying to move yourself up the emotional scale, until you're not reacting in defeat or anger or other negative emotions. It's about trying to get yourself to the same vibration as the person you want to be. Like, you feel uncomfortable or angry or depressed when you're not who you want to be, or when you've done something you didn't want to do...or if you've done nothing at all.

However, this method or whatever tries to get you closer to "Source," as they call it.

And, the more I thought about it in my own life, the more I realized that the more I try to fight things that I want, the more unhappy I get, and the more unhappy I get, the more unhappy I make the lives of other people, and then they probably take it out on other people, and it's just a vicious cycle. If I am happier, other people can be happier, too.

The film also states that humour is the highest emotional state. And, well, I've been noticing lately that it certainly is. When I can laugh at everyone and everything, life is going well. And I mean laugh sincerely, with no malice whatsoever.

I have identified a few major places that I need to work on in my life. Mostly, I need to state what I'm really feeling, when I'm feeling it, and second-guess myself less. A lot of things in my life go sour when I refuse to act on them. And, I need to feel less regret. Sometimes I prolong bad relationships indefinitely because of guilt when I should just let go and be able to laugh about it later. In fact, much in my life I do because of a sense of obligation, regret, or guilt.

Anyway, I would write more, but I have to wake up at 5 AM to take mom to the airport. I hope anyone who reads this is having a wonderful time of things.

i am sick of me.

good moods never last,
but at least the creativity hasn't dried up yet.

i'm sure it will
and i'll be totally miserable again.

i am so fucking sick of being unhappy.

I watched "Everything is Illuminated" and got inspired. I've always wanted to travel, but I've always made excuses. Yet, I see now that I'm quickly running out of time this summer, and now my brother is going to Geneva with his girlfriend. Randomly.

Now I'm discontent and realize I've made far too many excuses, when all I really want to do is pick up and leave. Just for a trip. Somewhere new. We could sleep in the car. We could do dishes in return for meals. I've always dreamt of it...and now I want to do it.

The only thing is, people like Belkis, who I am all-too-quickly growing sick of, don't dream like that. She is alright with being touched by beauty, but only in defined spaces. She doesn't realize that the world is a possibility. She closes the door and locks it behind me, even in broad daylight. She puts the emergency brake on in her car, even in her perfectly level garage.

How was I friends with her for so long?

Has she changed? Have I changed?

The bigger question is...who is willing to go with me somewhere on a whim? Obviously not Belkis. I want someone who stretches out their arms to the world, smiles in sunlight; not someone who timidly pokes at an idea, or is enthusiastic only about ideas she knows are dead.

I am honestly ready for adventure this time...and I am willing to seek it out, for once.

On the other hand, I've had enough of Charity for a little while. I do love her a lot, but sometimes it just seems like I'm constantly doing things for her, and she doesn't do as much for me. We did have a really good talk on the way to Cambridge, though. It was about Andy and Erika, and how much we miss who they used to be. I feel that I don't know Charity as well as I ought to.

I feel bad for Jared...you can tell he really cares about Lindsey, but she seems kind of nit-picky and selfish. He's been with her for so long, and now she's moving to California...I guess he probably feels that their relationship meant nothing to her. I think Eric probably felt the same thing when I just randomly, out of nowhere, broke up with him. But there was a great amount of discontent under all of that. There were many mind games and too much verbal abuse.

And, sometimes, I worry that Jared is too much like Eric. Not in the bad relationship kind of way, but in the way that he can be very emotionally attached and love too deeply, too quickly, someone who probably doesn't deserve it...or is even afraid of it.

I don't dislike Lindsey, but something she said really irked me. She said to Charity, "I just can't imagine moving for someone else." The fact that Charity is moving for a person isn't much different from moving for any other reason. Plus, she's not just moving for a person. She is moving because she misses Florida; she has family there; she wants to be a good aunt to her nephew there; she wants to get out of Ohio. And how is moving for someone else so very different from moving for something else? The fact is, people move for many reasons, but basically, the core is the same: they have a hope for the future in that place, and they love something or someone enough to do it. Charity has been in love with Sean for so long, yet she knows that their love might not be perfect. She's willing to try it. And I think that that's beautiful.

Just one more thing. Jared. How Charity tells me that he says he has a sort of "thing" for me. And teases each of us in front of the other. And how awkward it is. And how I just wish he wasn't dating Lindsey so that it wouldn't be awkward, you know? When I'm around him, I try not to think about it, but afterwards, I always do. We could have been good for each other.